


maybe something's wrong with me, but at least I am free

by thekaidonovskys



Series: After the Drift [6]
Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-27
Updated: 2014-07-27
Packaged: 2018-02-10 15:45:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2030769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekaidonovskys/pseuds/thekaidonovskys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because the Shatterdome gave them purpose in work, understanding of one another, and joy in victory - but Geneva gives them all of that in freedom; in themselves and together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	maybe something's wrong with me, but at least I am free

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted by Tumblr user thekaidonovskys

After ten years in the same lab, Geneva is like a breath of fresh air. 

 

It’s still the same, of course. He and Newt still have their own lab, fitted out to their specifications to the point where it almost resembles their old one. They’re still going to spend eleven or twelve hours every day hidden away down here, doing their work that nobody else understands. They’re still going to have the same routine, the same sort of living conditions (though with the end of the war, people have actually begun growing fruit and vegetables again, which is pure heaven), and the same lives. 

 

But it’s different. And not just because of the people or the location or the climate.

 

They’re different.

 

And Geneva comes right when it needs to. Right when they have a chance to reinvent who they are, separately and together.

 

***

 

It’s the first day, the first lunchtime, and Newt and Hermann are currently trying to memorize a good twenty names of the people who work in labs around them and are now introducing themselves. They make no introductions of their own, of course - everybody knows who they are. 

 

It’s when one of the techs refers to Newt by Dr. Geiszler that Hermann groans quietly, as he knows what comes next. “Nah, man, call me Newt,” Newt says, right on cue. But instead of following up with his ridiculous joke, he turns and points a finger at Hermann instead. “And he’s Hermann, as much as he protests otherwise.”

 

Hermann swats at his arm. “I can speak for myself, thank you.”

 

But he doesn’t correct him. Maybe it’s because he’s already seen the respect in everybody’s eyes, and knows that a name won’t make a difference to that. 

 

The first time he’s called Dr. Gottlieb, a week later, he shakes his head. “It’s Hermann,” he says, and marvels at how right it feels. 

 

***

 

He wouldn’t have told people at the Shatterdome, that was the awful truth. Even if he and Newt had found one another years earlier, Hermann still would have tried to hide it. It wasn’t professional to date one’s coworker, to have a relationship with the person you shared lab space with. He would have been certain that people would have been whispering and making insinuations about what really happened in their work space and that would have been not okay.

 

But now.

 

“So, I’m curious,” Carlos, one of their colleagues from down the hall, asks as he hands Hermann back a handful of reports on his latest coding experiment, two weeks after they’ve moved in. “And shoot me down if this is too forward, but are you two a couple?”

 

Hermann sees Newt tense up from his desk, and he knows why. It’s not because Newt’s afraid to answer that at all - Newt would shout it from the rooftops if Hermann would let him (which Hermann wouldn’t, thank you very much). He’s just afraid of what Hermann might say. Because Newt’s okay with not being _open_ open about it (hence no shouting from rooftops), as long as they don’t lie. Lying means covering up and covering up means shame and Newt is not down with any kind of relationship where his partner is ashamed to be with him. 

 

At the Shatterdome, he probably would have lied and dealt with the repercussions of that, even if it meant to risk losing Newt himself. 

 

At Geneva, Hermann gives Carlos an easy glance in response, and nods. “Yes, we are.”

 

“Cool. They didn’t mention that one in the interviews, though.”

 

“It was still relatively new then. And while the reporters were eager to gather up every shred of personal information about Miss Mori and Mr. Beckett, they were less interested in the private lives of the scientists. I believe they mostly presume we are all asexual.”

 

Carlos laughs. “Amen to that. The amount of people who’ve been shocked to learn I have a boyfriend is the real shocking thing. And it’s not even that they’ve presumed I had a girlfriend, they’ve just presumed I’m single. Forever. Hey, thanks for those reports, that’s cleared that issue up nicely. Come by our lab sometime and have a look at one of the ones we did for an experimental Jaeger that never launched - you might be able to sort out where we went wrong.”

 

“I will certainly do that.”

 

“Cool, man. See you guys later.”

 

As soon as Carlos leaves, Newt is swinging over the desk and to Hermann’s, perching himself right on top of the reports that have been returned to lean down and kiss him. “Have I told you how much I love you lately?” he asks.

 

“Not enough. Do continue to remind me.”

 

“Gladly. And hey, now that our coworkers know we’re dating they’re totally not gonna care if they walk in on us making out, so…”

 

“Still not a good enough reason to make out in an unsanitary laboratory.”

 

Hermann allows it for a few minutes, though. He’s only human. 

 

***

 

Even if he and Newt had been in a relationship during operations at the Shatterdome and people had known, Hermann would still have been hesitant to display any type of physical affection in public. Even the smallest of accidental touches would have been cause for panic, for fear of being seen as just a lovestruck fool or worse, unprofessional. 

 

They’re sitting at lunch, their colleagues around them discussing various fields of research and projects. One of them slides a book over to Newt to read a paragraph in, and Hermann leans over, resting his hand atop Newt’s without even thinking about it. Newt absently laces their fingers together as they read, then pushes the book back with one hand, squeezing Hermann’s fingers lightly. “Interesting, but completely wrong,” he says, then launches into his counterargument. 

 

He doesn’t let go of Hermann’s hand. 

 

Hermann doesn’t let go either. 

 

Newt takes his tray back for him, and Hermann kisses his cheek when he returns. “Thank you, darling,” he says, quietly but not secretly. “Back to work?”

 

“As usual.” Newt helps him up and they farewell their coworkers. 

 

Nobody mentions the way Newt slips his arm around Hermann’s free one, how Hermann unconsciously shifts his centre of gravity so he’s leaning against Newt, his cane now more or less unnecessary. 

 

Nobody has to. It’s what they’re used to. 

 

***

 

Their lab has always been their lab. 

 

The one thing they’d agreed on since day one was that there were to be no intruders. Obviously the Marshall would visit, and for whatever reason or another Jaeger pilots might stop by, but it was their lab. Nobody else would run experiments in it, nobody else would meddle with their stuff, nobody would hang out there. It was theirs.

 

Mary bumps against his shoulder slightly as she reaches up to point at one of his calculations. “Are you sure? I feel like that’s off by a factor, and then that would explain why we’re not balancing out over here.”

 

Hermann examines it, then nods. “You are quite correct. I must have been distracted when I calculated that.”

 

“Don’t blame you,” Mary murmurs. “I couldn’t handle working in a lab with a boyfriend as attractive as yours either.”

 

“Did you actually write this when you were fourteen?” Sasha asks from his desk, holding up the textbook she’s been immersed in and thankfully ignoring Hermann’s blush. “I mean, you’re clearly very intelligent but at fourteen I was only at high school graduate level. Didn’t get my first text out until I was seventeen.”

 

“That’s nothing,” Newt calls from across the room where he, Carlos and James are immersed to the elbows in guts. “He wrote three of those when he was fifteen.”

 

“Good god. How?”

 

Hermann shrugs. “I spent a lot of my fifteen-year old days in hospital beds as my leg struggled to grow with the rest of my body.” There’s an awkward silence and he sighs. “Newton, I appear to have done that thing where I speak too much and people pity me.”

 

“You’ll get the hang of human conversations one day, babe,” Newt retorts, and the room laughs. 

 

Tomorrow they’ll be in Carlos and Sasha’s lab, trying to connects case studies of unusual Drift reactions, and next week James and Mary will probably request a few extra pairs of hands for one of their larger-than-life reconstructions. 

 

This is what coworkers means, Hermann realizes now. 

 

***

 

Any fights in the Shatterdome were strictly their business. Marshall Pentercost had wearily requested that if they were going to shout at times when there were potentially important dignitaries in the building, that they would at least do it in German. Other than that - and partially because of that - everybody avoided and ignored their fights, leaving them to sort it out themselves and choosing to avoid both of them if they weren’t speaking. Nobody wanted to get involved. 

 

Newt comes in for lunch and Hermann quickly rises, cutting short his conversation. “Apologies,” he says stiffly. “I remembered I have work to do.”

 

He leaves, avoiding eye contact with Newt who is staring fixedly in the opposite direction. 

 

Ten minutes later, Mary is leaning against the door, watching him. “So if it’s not my place, it’s not my place but Newt’s kinda clearly devastated and you’re not holding up well either. Want to talk about it?”

 

“He’s just being ridiculous,” Hermann bursts out, slamming his book closed. “All I did was make the comment that his latest experiment idea is as moronic as his wishes to drift with a Kaiju brain and he acts as if I have mortally wounded him.”

 

“Hang on, didn’t he save the world with that?”

 

“Yes, but the idea was idiotic. He took no safety precautions, did not inform anybody what he was about to do and could have killed himself -“

 

“And this project is going to be done with three others, the medical team on standby and your knowledge. You’re scared, okay, I get it, but he knows what he’s doing. He’s devoted months to this, someone has to test it, of course it’s going to be him. Do you really think it’s an unintelligent experiment?”

 

Hermann sighs. “Of course it isn’t. It’s ridiculous, which is exactly why it will work because it’s Newton. His mind works on a whole other level.”

 

“Exactly. But instead of telling him that, you describe it as moronic and then compare it to the acts he took to save the world. Which indicates that you believe his greatest achievement was just stupidity and… luck.”

 

Hermann hasn’t looked at it that way, and the more he does the more horrified he is with himself. “No wonder he’s upset,” he murmurs. “God, I didn’t think.”

 

“Nope,” Mary says cheerfully. “But you are now, and you can fix it, easy.” She looks over her shoulder and grins, stepping out of the way. “And in one of life’s beautiful coincidences, you can do that right now.”

 

“Hi,” Sasha says, giving Newt a gentle shove into the room. “I found this moping in our lab. Fix it, please.”

 

Hermann wastes no time. “Come here,” he says gently, and when Newt shuffles across the room Hermann takes his hands. “You know I worry for you, constantly,” he says, stroking his thumbs over the back of Newt’s hands. “But I let my fear hurt you, let myself speak without thinking of the repercussions. Newton, love, you are brilliant and brave and your mind is beyond extraordinary and… and my speaking of things being ridiculous is simply that the things that don’t work in my mind somehow create amazing things in yours. Just because we think differently does not mean I do not marvel, constantly, over your mind. And if I lash out from fear, it is my way of trying to tell you that I love you and do not wish you to be harmed, because your life is worth far more to me than some experiment. But the experiment matters to you, just like the Drift, and so I will support you completely.”

 

Newt blinks at him for a few moments, then grins. “So that was kinda poetry, Herms. You’re getting soft.”

 

Hermann sighs. “I blame you entirely. To put it in simpler terms then: I apologise for my insensitivity.”

 

“It’s okay. I still love you, even when you forget to use that insanely large brain of yours.”

 

Hermann rolls his eyes, kisses him, and steadfastly ignores the whispers of triumph from the hallway. 

 

***

 

In a world where they could die at any given moment, health was only a priority for the fighters. Jaeger pilots had to be rested, nourished and in peak condition at all times, and only emergencies saw the medical bay admitting anybody else. Sleep was for the weak, and pilots. As a result, many techs (and two scientists) had gotten well used to dragging themselves through the day exhausted and potentially ill. 

 

They had made a lot of sacrifices for the war, and some of those were hard routines to break.

 

Newt passes out midway through lunch and Hermann catches him before he falls into his food. “James,” he says calmly, ignoring the immediate flurry of panic from their table, “could you please carry my ridiculously stubborn partner back to his room? My leg makes it impossible for me to do so myself.”

 

James quickly darts around the table to scoop Newt up and Hermann stands, gathering their things together. “Is he okay?” Mary asks.

 

“He is overworked and exhausted and, to the best of my knowledge, did not sleep last night. I considered barring him from the lab, but eventually decided to let things take their natural course.” Hermann looks at Newt, shaking his head, but his eyes are soft. “I may not return to the lab either,” he says after a moment. 

 

“Got anything crucial running?” Carlos asks. “We can check in on it.”

 

“No, but thank you. If I am required, I will be in Newton’s room.”

 

“Give him our best when he wakes up.”

 

Hermann nods and they head off, Newt still unconscious in James’ arms. “Is this common?” he asks.

 

“Unfortunately. Newton does not have an off switch and forgets to take care of himself at the most crucial of times. It falls to me to ensure he sleeps, and when I am unable to do that, to make sure he at least doesn’t hit his head when he passes out. At least I know he’ll sleep tonight, as he won’t be out of my sight.”

 

“You two are the two most stubborn people I’ve ever met,” James says after a moment. “How do you manage a relationship?”

 

“Because we are stubborn in opposite ways,” Hermann tries to explain. “We’ve never matched up, but it took many years to see that it wasn’t that we didn’t fit - on the contrary, we fit far too well. Our differences complement one another.”

 

“So kinda like a jigsaw with too much sky.”

 

Hermann takes a moment to think over that metaphor, then smiles. “Precisely. It was as if we were trying to put the wrong pieces together until we Drifted and it all made sense.”

 

He opens the door and steps aside to let James in. They both frown at the state of the room, Hermann shaking his head. “I’m gonna say you’re right,” James says as he tries to work out a clear path to the bed amidst the litter of paperwork and soda cans. “He’s working way too hard.”

 

“I know. In fact, if you wouldn’t mind carrying him a bit further, I think my room would be better.”

 

“Good plan.” 

 

It only takes a few moments to get across the hall to Hermann’s room, which is much neater. “Just on the bed,” Hermann says. “Drop him a bit hard if you like, might wake him up.”

 

“Tempting, but he probably needs the rest.” James gently places Newt down, who stirs a little but doesn’t wake. “All good?”

 

“All good,” Hermann echoes, seating himself at the table where he can keep an eye on Newt. “Thank you for your assistance.”

 

“Anytime, but hopefully not too often.”

 

James leaves and Hermann absently flicks through a text he’s supposed to be reading. He barely takes it in though, one eye constantly on the bed, waiting for Newt to wake up. He’s not worried - this isn’t the first time Newt’s fainted from overwork, just the first time it’s happened in front of people - but he still moves quickly when Newt finally opens his eyes, pulling up a chair next to the bed and sitting beside him. “How do you feel, love?” he asks.

 

Newt rubs his eyes and groans. “Tired. Is it morning already?”

 

“It’s midday.”

 

“I slept that long?”

 

“No. You insisted on getting up, worked through the morning growing steadily paler and more tired, then just about wore your lunch on your face when you passed out at the table.”

 

“Oh, right. Yeah. Um… sorry?”

 

Hermann rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling. “Take a nap,” he suggests. “A couple of hours should help, then you should get up for a few hours longer before going to sleep for the night. And you’ll sleep here tonight where I can make sure you are sleeping.”

 

“Yes, sir, Dr. Gottlieb, sir,” Newt mumbles, and yawns. “Take a nap with me?”

 

“I sleep adequately through the night. I do not need to take naps.” Newt pouts, and Hermann relents. “I will lie down with you if that is what you wish.”

 

“Course it is. Wanted to come in here last night but didn’t want to wake you at, like 3am, so I kept working instead.”

 

Hermann sighs as he lies down on the bed, Newt immediately curling around him. “I would much rather you woke me at, like 3am, instead of working through the night and exhausting yourself. I don’t like it when you get this worn out, darling.”

 

“I know. I’m sorry, I just thought I had it and I only need a couple more hours and then it wasn’t right and I had to run it all again and ugh.” Newt rests his head on Hermann’s chest, and Hermann knows he’s listening to his heartbeat. It’s one of Newt’s loves. “How’d I get here anyway?”

 

“James carried you. All of our coworkers are understandably worried about you.”

 

“James carried me? I should totally pass out more, he’s hunky.”

 

Hermann swats him lightly on the shoulder. “Behave, or I won’t let you sleep on me.”

 

“You know you’re my favourite.”

 

“I do know that. And for some impossible reason, you are also mine. But don’t let this happen again, okay? It’s been a year since we were at war, you do not have to push yourself to the point of exhaustion anymore.”

 

“Okay,” Newt murmurs, half-asleep again. “Love you.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

***

 

They sit together on a bench outside the facility, staring over the hills. Newt has his head on Hermann’s shoulder, and Hermann is absently stroking his arm as they watch the world go by.

 

Neither one checks their watch, or their phone. There are no alarms, no helicopters, no Jaegers being deployed. No hurry to calculate the next Kaiju, no rush to dissect, no war to stop.

 

They still pull long hours sometimes and Newt still needs to be reigned in and sometimes Hermann still needs his lab cleared of everybody but Newt and they still bicker. Of course they still bicker. But the urgency is gone. 

 

They work for the love of it now. Because the Shatterdome gave them purpose in work, understanding of one another, and joy in victory - but Geneva gives them all of that in freedom; in themselves and together. 

 

And they’re happy. Really and truly happy. 

 

***

 

When it comes down to it, it’s simple. They’re not becoming new people, they’re not changing - at least only insomuch as people normally do - they’re just _being._ They’re casting off the remains of the war and escaping from the shadow of the Shatterdome. 

 

It’s freedom. 

 

They’ve fought for ten years to get here. Now they can just live. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> All fic is set in Geneva from now on - more on their growth into freedom later.
> 
> Title from "Free".


End file.
